I’m becoming more and more awestruck at the campaign that State Representative Rob Kauffman (R-Franklin County) is running in the 89th General Assembly District. In a previous article, I asked readers to help me try to pinpoint exactly what Rep. Kauffman meant when he cited the “unique daily expenses of being a legislator” as his reason for needing a whopping $52.00 a day in per diems. Then, Kauffman oddly and aggressively denied a debate request from the Shippensburg University student government, calling them “unprofessional.” Now, Kauffman has made a similarly opaque and quizzical statement, this time in reference to why he can’t debate his Democratic opponent, Susan Spicka.
This time, the TV station WGAL has asked Rep. Kauffman if he would be willing to participate in a televised candidates’ forum. According to a WGAL assignment editor, Kauffman had originally declined the offer. Now, the TV station is in negotiations with Kauffman, who tells them he is looking to see when he “would have time” for the telecast.
This leaves only one question:
What is it that Rob Kauffman is doing that he would not have time for a candidates forum?
At first, you might think it is because he is afraid of debating his opponent. You might think it is because his campaign has been in full melt-down mode and he doesn’t want to risk further problems. You might even think that he is just so overly-confident that he doesn’t even deem a debate worthy given his likelihood of re-election.
I posit that none of those assertions are true. When you look at all of Rep. Kauffman’s apparent missteps and mishaps together in unison, only one logical conclusion can be drawn:
Rob Kauffman is a vigilante crime fighter, protecting the sinister streets of the rural 89th General Assembly District.
Think about it…
Kauffman claims he needs an additional $52.00 a day. He also refuses to explain in detail what he is spending it on. This is clearly because he is spending it on ninja stars and grappling hooks to defend against the thugs roaming the rolling farmlands of Franklin County. A well-stocked utility belt is not cheap.
Kauffman claims that he has such a busy schedule that he has to see when he “would have time” to debate. Obviously, the inference must be that Kauffman spends every non-legislative minute patrolling the public pavement, battling would-be hooligans at every turn. This is why his schedule is so mysteriously busy. He knows that every minute spent debating is a minute that hijacking highwaypersons, marauding mobsters, and ravaging raiders are free to do as they will.
When Kauffman declined the “unprofessional” invitation from the Shippensburg University students to debate, he called it a “publicity stunt” on their behalf. This is because Kauffman was trying to teach them a lesson inherent in vigilante crime fighting: everything must be done in the shadows, and no statement of one’s actions should be given for fear of retribution.
It all adds up.
That said, any alternative explanations will be entertained in the comments section below. I think the above explanation, however, trumps all other possibilities.