The Onion: ExxonMobile and Chevron Locked in Bidding War for Pat Toomey

Share With Friends

File under “barely false”:

With both sides increasing their initial offers for the prized asset, multinational energy companies ExxonMobil and Chevron Corporation are currently locked in a fierce bidding war to obtain a lucrative Pennsylvania senator, sources confirmed Monday.

“This legislator represents an incredibly valuable commodity in the energy world, and both ExxonMobil and Chevron appear to be willing to pay whatever is necessary to acquire him,” said oil and gas industry analyst John Blakey of the ongoing, back-and-forth bidding process for U.S. Sen. Patrick Toomey (R-PA), noting that both of the politician’s potential owners are enthusiastic about the prospect of utilizing the treasured beltway resource for multiple terms.

“Granted, securing such a highly profitable elected official won’t be cheap—it never is. Both of these companies know that if they are fortunate enough to gain possession of this senator, the acquisition will pay dividends for years to come.”

In more serious news, federal regulators will be holding 4 public hearings about 178-mile greenfield natural gas pipeline spanning Northumberland, Sullivan, Columbia, Schuylkill, Lebanon and Lancaster counties — Pat Toomey country, mostly.

This entry was posted in Elections, Energy, Environment, Issues, US Senate.

3 Responses to The Onion: ExxonMobile and Chevron Locked in Bidding War for Pat Toomey

  1. Izzy says:

    Note to Jon: when writing an article about one of the biggest names in the oil industry, make sure you spell it correctly in the title…

  2. btt says:

    chevron price gallon gas 13 cents more/ 3.99 galon
    compara shell 3.86
    in unlead gas

  3. What is Pennsylvania Republican U.S. Senator Pat Toomey worth ? To paraphrase the late President Truman, throw in Pennsylvania Governor Tom Corbett, and together they wouldn’t be worth a warm bucket o’ piss !